The act of domestic violence or battering an intimate partner or loved one is generally thought to be a learned behavior. It is a crime committed in the United States about every 15 seconds with women and children usually being the victims. In fact, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, women account for about 85% of the victims of intimate partner abuse. Domestic violence is more common in families in which one of the partners grew up with role models like parents, grandparents, family and friends who used the behavior as a form of control. Specifically, these are individuals who were raised in a physically and emotionally aggressive home and witnessed violence as an acceptable way for their parent to handle anger and frustration. Men who batter their spouses often exhibit traits like jealousy, possessiveness, and a lack of respect towards women.
One of the main problems as a perpetrator of domestic violence is that the batterer usually isn’t able to see how destructive he is being. He may think that this is how a normal family behaves, or if he does feel guilt, he blames the victim’s actions for causing his behavior. For example, a perpetrator might interpret his wife having a conversation with another man during a holiday party as her being flirtatious which in turn deserves serious repercussions as a form of punishment. It is a cycle that is difficult to break until the batterer is able to recognize his own actions and willing to learn to modify the behavior.
As we approach the holiday season, it’s important to be aware that while drinking alcohol doesn’t cause domestic violence, it is a contributing factor to the increase we see in this behavior from Thanksgiving to New Years. A study recently released from the Prevention Research Center in California and Arizona State University shows that men drinking at parties and bars away from home were linked to an increased rate of male-to-female partner violence. This is a time of year where we all tend to go to more parties where alcohol is served, and we tend to spend more time indoors. This can be a recipe for disaster as alcohol use can be linked to domestic violence in a number of ways. First of all, drinking takes away inhibitions and control over behavior. Secondly, if there is a heavy drinker in the family it causes additional stress and frustration, which can result in violence. Thirdly, a perpetrator of domestic violence might use alcohol as a way to relax and forget the shame he actually feels for his behavior. He uses the alcohol as an “excuse” for what happened and therefore overlooks his destructive behavior as being a problem that needs to end.
If you are involved in this type of destructive relationship, get help now. Domestic violence should never be accepted as a normal way of life. There is hope for families as abusers can take anger management and domestic violence classes, or participate in one-to-one therapy to learn new life skills. It’s not a permanent life sentence as long as the abuser is ready to take the appropriate action.
