Some people are in abusive relationships and don’t even realize it. For a teenager, it might be his or her first intimate partner and they think the behavior is normal. For an adult, you might have grown up in an abusive household and don’t know any better. Being involved in an abusive relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that you are being physically battered, but instead you might be feeling confused, lonely and alone because of emotional and verbal abuse.
Some signs that your intimate partner relationship is unhealthy include:
1. You are constantly living in an atmosphere of fear, submission, intimidation and uncertainty.
2. You are being isolated from your close friends and family.
3. Your partner monitors your email, social networks and voice mail messages.
4. Your spouse or boyfriend reacts with jealousy and rage about the smallest things. For example, he storms off if you happen to talk to another father while you are watching your daughter at a dance recital.
5. You are the recipient of demeaning verbal attacks designed to lower your self-esteem.
Verbal abuse is one of the common problems that victims in domestic abuse situations face. In many cases, the abuser starts out charming so the recipient is caught off guard by the behavior. As the partner wants to gain more control in the relationship, he/she begins to subtly put down the spouse. It might start out as light humor about you like “My wife is such a teenager, I can’t get her to clean up anything!” It then escalates to direct criticism in which he insists that it’s “for your own good” so you can be aware and better yourself. This behavior might happen in front of others or mostly at home so that those around you have no idea about the destructive relationship. You work hard to change your ways to please him, but it’s never enough. Another common sign is that the spouse loses control of his angry behavior, yelling and screaming to blow off steam. Instead of taking ownership for this inappropriate reaction, he/she blames the victim for it. For example, “If you would stop being so flirty, I wouldn’t have to act this way!” You try to respond and defend yourself but he refuses to discuss it. You are left feeling horrible and always at fault. No matter how hard you work at making him happy, it’s never enough and you are left depressed and feeling like you are nuts!
Individuals who use verbal abuse to control their partners lack empathy and compassion. They utilize these tactics to make the spouse feel like they aren’t as important, are unattractive, and unintelligent. The victims blame themselves and try to adapt to the lifestyle, always hoping that things will get better.
If you see yourself in this type of relationship, stop trying to defend his behavior and believe in yourself. Go and get support from a therapist, talk to family and friends and understand that you can’t change the abuser. He or she has to want to make a change, which he can do by seeking professional help, and taking educationally based classes to learn new skills.
