Domestic violence or Batterers Intervention Programs are generally court ordered for individuals convicted of domestic abuse. The term “domestic violence” is used to describe a relationship in which there is a pattern of controlling and coercive behavior that leaves the victim unsafe, insecure and dependent on the abuser. This might include physical abuse as well as emotionally threatening and verbal abuse, isolating the victim and/or controlling finances. The behavior can be perpetrated upon a spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend or even towards an older family member in the person’s care.
Studies show that offenders come from all over the world, all races and religions, educational levels and socio-economic brackets. However, domestic abusers generally exhibit the same basic characteristics. These include:
1. They want to achieve total power and control over the relationship.
2. They often present dual personalities. It’s the old Jekyll and Hyde. People outside of the relationship are often not aware that there’s a problem because in public the abuser maintains a loving and normal demeanor. This can make it really difficult for the victim to get help because their story doesn’t seem plausible.
3. They play the blame game. The abuser avoids taking any responsibility for his or her actions by putting the burden on the victim or situation. They say that it’s the stress of the relationship, or they had too much drink and can’t remember what they did. Or, they tell the victim that if he or she would change or stop provoking the abuser, then it wouldn’t happen. This leaves the victim constantly fearful and walking on eggshells.
4. They minimize and deny their destructive behavior. They come up with excuses for controlling all the funds or viewing their email. The abuser tries to justify his or her behavior as normal and make the victim feel like they are overreacting.
It’s a vicious cycle that repeats itself throughout the relationship. It starts with some sort of tension that causes an argument. This is followed by an act of violence or an increase in controlling behavior. If the abuser does acknowledge his bad behavior, he often will beg for forgiveness and promise to never do it again. This leads to a honeymoon period in which the couple feels close again and things feel calm. Unfortunately, if the abuser doesn’t do anything to learn how to change his or her ways, the cycle continues and often escalates.
If you see yourself in this type of relationship, it’s imperative to get help immediately. As a victim, reach out to friends for support. Its true that people want to help but are often afraid of meddling in your personal affairs, or causing you more trouble. Look into local shelters and get advice from social workers in your community. Also, do small things like getting an extra set of keys to the car and house in case he/she tries to take these things from you.
If you see yourself as the abuser, the good news is that there are effective dv programs in place to help motivated people change their ways. Look into local Batterers Intervention Programs, get one on one counseling, join an anger management group or take an online domestic violence class. You can learn how to break the cycle and start on a healthier, safer and happier path.
