It’s been 20 years since Nicole Brown Simpson’s murder. Many of us watched the story unfold on national TV with the Bronco chase down the freeway, her sister’s very public interviews about the history of battery that Nicole experienced during her marriage to OJ Simpson and then the ongoing “Trial of the Century”. This case was a huge red flag to women across the country that battery can lead to murder. In fact, it spurred Congress to pass the Violence Against Women Act, which provided a huge amount of federal funding to raise awareness of the issue, and made it mandatory for police officers to arrest abusers.
In listening to both abusers and victims on a daily basis, it is apparent that each domestic violence situation is different. In some cases, it’s a teenage relationship that has turned frightening, in others the couple has been married for decades and one partner has been taking the physical or emotional abuse over and over again behind closed doors. In many cases, the abuser is an upstanding citizen, charming and helpful to those around him (like OJ), so it goes undetected unless the victim reaches out for help. The underlying similarity in every situation is that the abuser is looking for control and power in the relationship.
You might think, how has our relationship deteriorated to this point? How does this happen? How did I let it happen? In Nicole’s case, she was married to a famous athlete and TV personality, complained to friends and family about her fears, had gotten out of the relationship to the extent she could and it still happened.
The bottom line is that if you are a perpetrator or victim in an abusive relationship, it will most likely keep happening until the perpetrator addresses the behavior through therapy and education. It’s a cycle that starts with an angry interaction. The abuser is triggered by something in the relationship that makes him feel insecure. For example, his girlfriend is talking to another man at a party, a loss of a job or the perception that his wife is more successful than he is. Then the uncontrollable violence occurs followed by shame and even sorrow. The abuser apologizes and promises it will never happen again so life goes back to normal until it does happen again.
In many situations, the abuser is afraid to get out of the relationship because of the perceived repercussions or financial restraints. If you suspect that someone you know is being abused or that you know an abuser, it’s important that you do and say something before it’s too late. It’s time to put aside any worries you have about hurting your friendship and save a life. Talk to the person and tell him what you think. Draw attention to his actions while it’s happening with comments like “Did you mean to put her down in front of everyone? That’s just hurtful and embarrassing for her”. Take a strong stance and explain why he/she shouldn’t threaten, bully or hit others. Suggest he give you a call to help calm down whenever he feels like he’s losing control. Call the police if you witness anything violent!
If you think you are abusive, you might think you can get over it on your own. The fact is that the only way to truly change your behavior is by getting help from a therapist or group programs. It will take time and effort, but is essential to keep you out of the legal system and to save the relationship.
