Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the U.S. ages 15 – 44 years old. It’s a sad and frustrating statistic that unfortunately continues to permeate our society. Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate and you might even be shocked by who is perpetrating it. It’s not necessarily the big guy covered in tattoos who is in and out of jail. It happens in white collar, affluent neighborhoods in families where you might think “he’s such a nice guy!” It infiltrates all religions and cultures and it could just as well happen in your first teenage relationship as one later in life. Education, success and accolades don’t make it go away. We see it all across the board and very often amongst high paid sports heroes.
It’s prevalence amongst athletes recently caused NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to create stronger sanctions in the hopes that players will think twice before attacking their victims. He just rewrote the dv portion of the personal conduct policy to include harsher punishments like a six game suspension for first time offenders and banishment for life for second time offenders with the right to appeal for reinstatement after a year. However, without the proper therapy and education, it’s difficult for individuals to change their ways, even with the knowledge of the heightened rules looming over them. Just this last weekend, Ray McDonald was arrested on suspicion of felony domestic violence charges involving his pregnant fiancée.
Some of the behaviors that indicate there might be potential for you to become a batterer or that you have crossed the line include:
1. Controlling behavior. You have taken on the role of the “father figure” concerned that the victim doesn’t have good decision making skills. It may start out innocent enough but in some cases progress to monitoring their whereabouts, who they are with, reading emails and texts, assuming control of finances and making all the final decisions on everything. In some cases the abuser demands engagement, moving in together, and/or marriage quickly in the relationship to block any other potential suitors.
2. Jealousy. You feel the need to find out whom she is talking to, question whom she is spending her time with when not with you and even accuse of her flirting with other men. You begin to stalk her by dropping in unexpectedly at her place of business or apartment after work. You might even go to great lengths to record her car mileage or ask friends what they see her doing. In some cases, this behavior becomes so extreme that the victim’s independence is taken away and is told she can’t work and must instead stay at home to care for the abusers (your) needs.
3. Blaming others for your insecurities. You are easily ashamed or insulted and don’t take ownership for your own emotions but instead accuse others of controlling how you feel. You blame the victim for not doing everything to make you happy. You say things like “I need you and can’t live without you” to manipulate the victim into feeling like they can’t ever break up the relationship.
4. Verbal Abuse. You have increasingly saying things that are derogatory, cruel or hurtful to the victim. It may have started behind closed doors but you’ve lost control and it’s happening in front of friends and family too.
Batters intervention education and training is the key to getting this abusive behavior under control. It is challenging and will take time but is the most effective way to teach new skills to overcome these negative behaviors. It’s available in group sessions, 1/1 with a licensed therapist and in online, private programs.
