Discussions about domestic violence are never easy. The truth is that as a friend, family member or co-worker, you are the one’s who will notice first if something is amiss with someone you are in close contact with. Most often, victims are afraid to seek support because of the repercussions they might endure as a result of outing the offender, or embarrassment. While you might hesitate to bring it up because you feel like it’s not your business or a huge responsibility, keep in mind that you could be saving a life!
There are many different types of domestic abuse. The obvious one most easily observed is the physical ramification of violent behavior like bruising, black eyes, broken bones and scars. However, there are more subtle signs that you might pick up on if the person is being mentally or financially controlled.
The general warnings that something is not right and it’s possibly a domestic abuse situation are:
1. Frequent injuries and unexpectedly missing work.
2. The individual can’t participate in social functions because they are restricted or isolated by the abuser.
3. When they are with the abuser they seem afraid or overly anxious to please him.
4. They have lost their voice in the relationship and go along with whatever the partner dictates.
5. They receive frequent phone calls, text messages or emails throughout the day that are checking up on them. The individual is rattled or nervous about it.
6. They express that they don’t have access to funds.
7. They become withdrawn, depressed, and anxious or lose confidence in themselves (especially if they used to have strong self-esteem).
If you suspect there is a problem, don’t wait for the person to open up about it. Go to the individual in private and express your concerns about her safety without placing any blame on the victim. Offer to help and support her decisions without judging her. It will most likely take broaching the subject a few times before she opens up.
On the flip side, you may be close with someone you feel has abusive tendencies. You notice that your brother is constantly putting down his wife in front of you or he won’t ever let her join a night out without him. This same expression of your concern and offer of support can help save a relationship and/or life. It’s not easy for an abuser to stop the behavior and they may not even realize how intense it’s become. He’s fallen into a pattern of behavior that is comfortable to him, but not those around him and needs a reality check. The light at the end of the tunnel is that with a serious commitment to make change, an offender can learn how to create healthier relationships. It requires time and the choice to learn new skills to change the controlling and manipulative behavior that they most likely learned from role models in their youth. Domestic violence treatment programs are available to attend either in-person or take at home online. The goal is to teach abusers how to break the cycle of their negative actions by learning empathy, effective communication and listening skills, alternate ways to cope with their anger and how to deal with stress.
Don’t ignore the signs of an abusive relationship. You could be the one to save a life!
