It’s easy to take a look at another person’s relationship and think, “If I were in that abusive situation, I’d get the heck out!” You would never stand for being mentally tortured, physically abused, stalked or controlled in any way. However, it’s not always easy to get out from under the mess. In many domestic violence scenarios, the victim wants to escape but can’t because of financial difficulty, physical ailments, or children involved. Unfortunately, intimate partner abuse is a huge problem in this country. According to a 2010 CDC survey, more than 1 in 3 American women have experienced rape, stalking, or physical violence during their life.
So why stay? The number one reason is that the victim fears reprisal if she leaves. The abusive partner has made death threats, or said he will take the kids away forever, or spread bad rumors or financially destroy the victim. Many women who are abused don’t have jobs or even access to the bank accounts, so they are financially dependent on the abuser. Many have children and don’t want to lose custody or take them away from their home, their schools or their friends. Or, sometimes the victims lose the support of friends and family who have tried for years to rescue the situation. What was once a support network has retreated in frustration and the victim is left feeling hopeless with nowhere to turn.
Last week I spoke with a client who had questions about our online classes and then purchased our 8-hour domestic violence program at dvclass.com in the hopes that her husband would take some time at home to learn how to change his behavior. She explained that it’s been 11 years of “good days and bad days”. He grew up in an abusive household and when she married him, he swore he’d never act like his own father did. Unfortunately, over the years she’s sat by as he’s become increasingly abusive towards her. On the bad days, she’s been close to death. In her case, she feels stuck in the relationship because she has 2 children and a number of health ailments. She gets edema in her legs, a defibrillator has been implanted to keep her heart beating on track and she takes meds for anxiety. If she mentions leaving him, he has not only threatened to take the kids away from her but stop paying for health insurance. She has gotten in the car and driven away many times, but always ends up coming back because she has nowhere to go. The police have been involved in their disputes numerous times and he’s even been to jail. She explained that she doesn’t know where this will end, but doesn’t have the financial freedom to get out.
This week she called back to let me know that he actually agreed to sit down with her over the weekend and spend time to go through the class. She couldn’t believe how involved he got and it spurred a lot of conversation. He told her he truly never saw himself as a threat but instead thought she was always being overly dramatic for attention. Now that he he's heard it from a professional, he sees how his behavior fits the description of a controlling abusive personality. She was thankful to us for providing this service online because she knows she would never have been able to get him off the couch and into a classroom. He says he will take his newfound knowledge and work on improving himself. She now sees hope in the future of her family.
